Mind Racer Not Chaser

Wandering Soul.

Collisions.

“At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.”
In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing – not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over. 
Each baby, then, is a unique collision – a cocktail, a remix – of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms.
 When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes – we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely fact of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.”

Caitlin Moran

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We are all kids.

“And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.”

What Barcelona (Europe..) has taught me;

  • Enjoy life.
  • Listen to music, live music, good music, street music. Any kind of music, just listen.
  • Be kind, even when others aren’t. Surround yourself with kind people and you will be happier.
  • Embrace uncertainty. Look at the road not taken with courage, and take it. Unknown things can only liberate you.

I shall add more later, I lost my train of thought in this quaint cafe.

I wonder.

Can you ever completely unfeel something? I WANT TO NOT FEEL ANYTHING PLEASE.

I think every person in my life has impacted me, and left some part of them behind within me. I wonder if you can ever get rid of a person completely, like they never existed? Maybe you wouldn’t be the same, but you sure as hell wouldn’t feel the way you had, which would be better no? I wonder where I’ll be in 5 years, and if I’ll eventually unfeel everything I currently feel. Perhaps these feelings won’t even be apart of my distant memories. That’s what I hope for at least. I wonder if I’ll ever think of people in my past, I could very well be the happiest person in the world but would they ever cross my mind? Even for a split second? Maybe I’ll think of them and nothing will happen. Not a single emotion. That’d be a change eh.

I am a lost puppy.

I was told I am the most confusing girl in the world, and he’s never met someone as confused. It sounded rather peculiar to me, I’ve always thought of myself as a simple person (oh, was I wrong). I guess I am just that, a confused girl. I don’t intentionally do it, nor do I actively think how I can confuse the next person in my life.

I blame my intense, dramatic, over-thinking, complex, scattered, anguished, apprehensive mind. I am TERRIFIED of becoming close to people and losing them. I can blame this on my past, however what good does that do? I have grown from the things I have experienced and become fearful not enduring. What has been apparent to the rest of the world the entire time, has just become evident to me. I’m scared.

I am sorry to the people I have hurt, from the bottom of my heart I sincerely am. I am also very thankful for the people in my life who never gave up on me, and continue to be patient.

 

Astray.

He asked me why I’m afraid to be happy. I couldn’t find words to answer the question..